I have a friend who is kind-a-sort-of-dating-but-not-really-dating an a**hole. We all know this tragic story of an attractive girl or guy who just won’t stop running behind the one jerk that will inevitably break his or her heart. As a good friend who cares about your well-being, I get tired of hearing the stories, decoding signs, and making excuses. Sometimes I just want to say, “My dear bestie, what it really boils down to is he/she is just an a**hole.”
We all know, have been with, have been, or still are an a**hole. Too often I hear one of my friends describing them. (Even more frequently I find myself actually dating them or worse, kind-a-sort-of-dating-but-not-really-dating-them.) I’m practically an expert in the art of detecting an a**hole.
The more I grow up, I find that for every decent person out there, there’s 10 dickwads more to counter that one decent one. It gets hard not to become overwhelmed by the amount of crap out there in the dating world. It’s even harder to not give up and just settle for any ole a**hole you see.
As the girl who is single, has been single for most of her life, and only managed to date a few a**holes (or be an a**hole) in her dating span, I wanted to create a post that makes life easier for us all. I wrote this post with hope that one day we may rid the world of a**holes, or at the very least stop giving them the time of day!
Step One: You’re An A**hole
This list isn’t all-inclusive, and you should know that really the definition of an a**hole is someone so absorbed with themself that they lack respect for other people. We’ve all done a**hole-like things a time or two, myself included. As your friend, angry ex, or disappointed lover, I’m telling you it’s never okay to be “that guy or girl”, and I don’t want you to be. So let’s clarify…
If you pass up a great relationship for a shitty, sub par one…
Let me say that I’m not here to judge anyone’s choices or choice in partners, if you’re in a terrible relationship you have every right to end it. On the same note, if you don’t want to date someone anymore, you should always break up with them before you cheat on them.
I knew a guy who was dating a really awesome girl. She was smart, beautiful and perfect in the girl world. This guy insisted on breaking up with this damn-near perfect girl, and even asked me to aid in the break-up, because she just wasn’t “fun enough.” This guy’s definition of “fun” was a floozy. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy was an a**hole.
I’m going to add to this and say that if you can’t own up to your own personal preferences or personal short comings and like to flip the script by making decent people feel indecent, you too are an a**hole.
If you break up with someone or reject someone but continue to keep them emotionally attached to you…
If you’re never going to give me what I need or want, stop confusing or misleading me. I’d respect you so much more if you crushed every ounce of hope and ditched me to the curb. What makes you an a**hole is the fact that you just keep fueling the fire and giving me shreds of hope that we’re going somewhere.
If you don’t officially break up with someone and just hope that eventually they get the hint…
I’ve done this before and had it done to me before. It’s terrible; I know. There’s no closure. You just have to use nonverbal clues to piece together the facts. I know you think you’re doing that person a favor by being passive aggressive, but really you’re just selfishly keeping your options open or selfishly trying to avoid being labeled a jerk. Well, guess what genius you just earned yourself an even better title…
If you randomly smash girls and/or guys without any regard to their emotional well-being…
Girl or guy, it’s not cool, and it never was. Plain and simple if all you want to do is sleep around, be honest about it.
If you tend to ignore people and refuse to acknowledge their presence…
This one seriously gets on my nerves. I sort-of-dated-but-not-really-dated a girl who refused to respond to any form of communication with me. She swore that she was really interested in me, but if I called or texted she was never near her phone and if I tried to meet-up she was always busy… Stop lying, a**hole. I get the picture.
If you stand someone up without good cause…
Your car breaks down, and you have to get it fixed. Your cat gets sick, and you now have to stay home to take care of Whiskers. This is a tricky one. I will never really know if you’re being an a**hole, or if you’ve got a life or death situation on your hands. You only get so many chances to stand me up though before I start to realize the truth… You’re really just an a**hole with really good excuses.
If you hide everything important about yourself…
I have dated people who I had to damn near become Sherlock Holmes just to learn more about them and their past. These people refused to let me into their life. I would ask questions about their day, their life, their family, etc., and the responses I would get in return were generic or null and void… It wasn’t mysterious; it was just annoying.
If you cannot actually commit…
You’re married. You’re engaged to someone. You’re talking to someone. You’re not over your ex. You’re emotionally scarred. You cannot and will not be mine for reasons I’ll never understand, but you still feel the need to write me love letters and sing me to sleep every night… Stop a**hole. Just stop.
If your compliments are backhanded insults and/or you’re insensitive about anything you know that person is sensitive about…
I’m not saying you have to walk on eggshells around me, by all means be honest with me. There’s a difference between being honest and being cruel…“I love the way you just don’t care about your looks.” “Are you sure you want to eat that cheeseburger instead of working out?” Yeah, I can read between the lines, and I’m pretty sure I want to knock your lights out.
If you cheat, make excuses for cheating, and/or don’t admit to cheating…
This is another passive aggressive attempt to selfishly have your cake and eat it too or selfishly avoid coming off as a jerk who broke someone’s heart. What you have to realize is that it is far better to be “the jerk” that broke up with me than be “the a**hole” that broke my heart.
If you’re dishonest and/or give me a reason to stop trusting you…
This one is just to clarify… There’s never a good reason to lie.
If you harm someone physically, mentally or emotionally…
Another one, just to clarify that if you don’t have my best intentions at heart, why waste my time?
Step Two: Handling the A**hole
Now, I have to say, we all date or try to put up with an a**hole from time to time. If and when you realize that it’s just too exhausting, here are some important things to remember when eliminating him or her from your life:
Rise above. Never let an a**hole bring you to their level
Don’t overlook the facts. If it looks like a duck, and acts like a duck…
Don’t make excuses. (I’m sure they have enough on their own.)
Do not wait for signs, concrete evidence or a push. If you sense it, you’re probably right. Don’t drag your heart and self-esteem through the mud by waiting for the inevitable to happen.
Eliminate them for good. Don’t keep them on a back burner. Stop talking to people you cut out of your life ages ago. There’s a reason the past isn’t part of your future.
Stop surrounding yourself with a**holes. If you hang out around smokers enough eventually the smoke stops bothering you, but it doesn’t mean that second-hand smoke won’t kill you. Same concept, if you put yourself around enough a**holes you become immune to the crappy things they do.
Apologize for and change your own bad habits. Sometimes we fall short, and we make mistakes. We get absorbed with our own problems and needs. Don’t let mistakes become habits by continuing to make them. Karma is a b*tch; work to improve yours.
Femme In Real Life 
Hi Marissa, another great read on the a**holes although in my british accent I need an additional ‘*’ as we call them ar**holes:-)
You sounded like you enjoyed writing that post to me? What happened also to the lovely wall paper that surrounded your main blog column?
Natalie (from MB blogging course)