Just for Clarification Purposes

I feel as though I’ve been trapped in an idyllic relationship haze. What used to be the lesbian u-haul stage has evolved into a more dismal date and dismiss stage. More and more woman I know are going on multiple dates only to find that they are slowly faded out of the picture. It’s like silently being dumped and not even knowing how or why it happened.

I’m not certain what would possess me to wait almost an entire year to ask someone for clarification on what it is we are doing and where exactly we are going. (It is quite possibly one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done; I won’t negate that.)

In the back of my head I was trying to be nice, and I had good intentions. I was trying to give space, and above all I was trying not to be the clingy stereotypical u-haul lesbian.  Instead, what I became was the foolish, aloof and carefree lesbian when really I’m none of these things. I think to myself that really anyone who actually knew me would at least know that about me. (But you should also know that I hate making people do things or pressuring them. You should show up at my door with the u-haul when you’re ready. But if you’re also not ready when I’m ready I’m going to wonder why?)

So when the Elysian smoke of idealized relationships cleared, I wondered where the fuck was the u-haul because it should be here by now. I mean why are we still treating this relationship as if it’s still budding? Why am I still tip-toeing around my thoughts?

I maybe grasping for straws…

And I’m possibly still not ready to give up on this magical mythical lesbian yet. I mean when you find one (or think you find one) it’s particularly hard to let her go because they just don’t come around every day. She has her good days and her bad days, but isn’t that a relationship?

My friends are shaking their heads at me saying, “No crazy, when someone throws up red flags you take them as signs and you move on.”

Either way, I’ve been learning about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and maybe because her lower pyramid needs haven’t been met yet, she really just can’t focus on the higher needs. Maybe this is also a problem for many of the lesbians that I’ve dated as they face issues with safety and stability in their lives and it’s hard to have a real relationship with someone else when you’re not even at peace with yourself.

This is the point when my therapist would tell me that it’s not my job to fix people. I’m not a “relationship social worker” and no one is paying me for that job title. It’s a thankless job that I keep giving to myself because I care deeply about others in my life, especially the ones that I date.

But seriously what am I supposed to tell them, “I know I just shared intimate pieces of my life and my body with you, but go fuck yourself. You’re broken.”

This is my life. These are my problems.


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